Henry running down the drive

    Clearly feeling much better, chasing the dog down the drive.

So I know just the other day I said I’m no longer a worrier. But… no sooner had the keyboard cooled from my from my frantic ‘write everything quick before naptime ends’ type-fest, did I start worrying about the thing that I’ve known was happening for a while but put to the back of my mind to avoid bursting into tears because last Tuesday Henry had surgery to correct his squint.

Everyone around me was so calm about it, it’s a common procedure, you’re home the same day and you’d probably be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t know of someone who’s had squint surgery. His doctor – who’s incredible – was so blase about it, although I’m not sure I’d want any other attitude as there’s no way I’d let anyone with an inch of doubt as to his capabilities anywhere near my baby’s eyes with a sharp object. Nevertheless my heart actually hurt everytime I thought about it.

Despite having fasted, Henry was in such good spirits before the surgery, playing in the waiting room blissfully unaware of what was to come which made his pain when he woke up all the more heartbreaking. He’d been relieved of his hanger when he drifted of to sleep, alarmingly quickly and I left the theatre in tears to wait out the longest 90 minutes of my life. He woke up with closed, swollen eyes covered in ointment and his tears were blood stained, crying hunger, confusion and pain. We gave him his milk, having to restrain his arms from rubbing his eyes – let me tell you, preventing a child from rubbing their eyes is up there with trying to cut their toenails; nigh on impossible.

The rest of the day was a blur, we went home he spent most of the day asleep, or trying to open his eyes and immediately crying. Although he ate a chicken dinner with his eyes closed which I thought was pretty impressive, clearly it’ll take a bit more then strabismus surgery to put Henners off his food.

Watching my baby in pain was the hardest thing I’ve had to do so far as his Mama. I felt guilty that I’d chosen for him to be where he was. I’d chosen for him to be put to sleep and I’d chosen for him to wake up sore and confused. We could’ve chosen to wait until he was a little older, when we could’ve explained what was happening to him. But we’d decided to do it now, when he’d not understand why he’d gone to sleep and woken up uncomfortable, in hope that he won’t remember anything when he’s older.

It wasn’t just the surgery we want him to forget, we’d chosen to operate earlier to avoid Henry hearing comments we’ve heard about his eyes. A few weeks ago we were in a coffee shop with my mum and she overheard two fully grown women whispering about Henry’s squint as we were leaving. When she told me, after the initial mother-bear-protecting-her-cub style rage, I felt a little more confident we’d made the right decision for our little boy. It wasn’t the first time, and it’s only a matter of time before Henry hears comments, whispers and stares. He’s a growing into a happy, sociable and outgoing toddler and I can’t bear the thought of his confidence being knocked before he’s even found his feet in the world.

So I hope that when he’s older Henry feels we’ve made the right choice for him. We had a tough few days but by Saturday he was back to his usual cheeky self, terrorising the feral pug and generally making himself very busy running up and down, doing his best to dodge his four-times-daily eye drops. He was quite happy revisiting the hospital for his check up on Friday so I’m hopeful that he’s already forgotten the experience and it’s not one that he’ll have to go through again, although we’ll have to wait until his check up in a few months to see.

I’ve never spoken about it here before, I’m not really sure why. I think it’s because I know that it’s a drop in the ocean compared to what some families are going through and I’m conscious of that. But I found the experience tough and I’ve not seen alot in the blogosphere about squint surgery, despite how common it is so thought I’d share my thoughts just on the off chance that my ramblings might be of help to someone else.

Has your little one ever had squint surgery? I’d love to hear your experiences.

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Mummascribbles

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This week I’m very excited to introduce a second blogging beauty to this corner of the Internet – Aurélie from Bump & Blush – she’s currently doing the 30 days of gratitude challenge which I’ve really being enjoying keeping up with, definitely one to check out! So, since you can read my rambles over here everyday of the week, here’s my second guest #mumguilt post….
My name is Aurélie and I am a mummy to Kai, 16 months and currently 7 months pregnant.My mom guilt is steered towards my unborn child…

There is something about a first pregnancy that is just sort of magical. Everyone is excited, I read all the books about pregnancy and beyond. I spent hours daydreaming of what my little one will look like, 9 months of ups and downs but 9 months to form a special bond. I was filled with an anticipation that will likely remain unmatched for the rest of my life.

During my first pregnancy, I always knew how far I was and could tell you exactly the size of the baby…Oh this week, it’s an avocado. For this pregnancy, things are noticeably different. It’s not necessarily a “bad” type of different, just different…a lot different.
Now that I’m more than 30 weeks pregnant, I feel more uncomfortable and tired but to be real honest with you, before I forgot I was pregnant half the time with baby number two. The only time I really remember is when I got sharp pains after getting up. I just did not have time to sit around and just think about being pregnant. My days are so busy, I work from home and if I am not working I am running after my toddler praying he does not break the house! One thing is sure this second pregnancy is flying compared to the first one.
I do feel guilty sometimes because I feel I did not have time to enjoy this pregnancy, I did not really bond with you, nothing is really prepared for you, if you’re a boy, you will get the hand-me-downs from your big brother, if you are a girl, the shopping spree will start as soon as you will be born.
I know a lot of first time mums worried about loving as much their second child as their first. I understand the worry as you give everything to your little one but I know I have so much love to give and really can’t wait to be a family of four! I can’t wait for you to be in my arms, to see you smile and to play with your big brother.
Thank you so much to Aurélie for sharing her #mumguilt story, I really enjoyed reading! You can find more of Aurélie here:
http://www.bumpandblush.com
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If you’d like to share your #mumguilt woes please get in touch, I’d love to hear from you!

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When I first started this series many moons (8 weeks) ago, the lovely Frenchie Mummy suggested I open it up to other bloggers, and what a great idea that was. So how could I not feature my favourite Frenchie first? 

The Frenchie Mummy is one of my favourite reads – honest, witty and throughly entertaining, so I’m delighted to introduce Cécile, aka Frenchie Mummy as my first ever guest blogger….

Guilt. We call it la culpabilité in Frenchie language.

I had many guilty moments since we had Baba. The time I dressed him up with totally unmatched colours and he didn’t look cute as usual. The other one when I dropped his dummy in some wine in hope to make him have a nap in the afternoon (I needed to blog so badly I was desperate!)

Yes, sometimes I do not cook wonderful meals and I feel bad about ordering a pizza. So bad indeed that I also get some ice cream (a full tube of Häagen-Dazs doesn’t scare Frenchie Mummy when Grumpy Boyfriend is out) and a good bottle of wine.

But you know what is the thing I am the most guilty about? Baba’s sleeping routine. Or the lack of it should I say? It’s just something we have not really nailed with Grumpy Boyfriend…

Here are some of my best successes with mon bébé:

But sleeping time? C’est l’horreur in the Frenchie household! Just thinking about it is giving me an extra grey hair

This baby doesn’t like sleeping! And I feel like it’s my fault.

When he was very little, I read a lot about it and the importance of good habits. ‘Give him a bath, then a nice cuddle while you read your baby a book. Eventually, put him to bed giving him a kiss’. A fairy tale! Un conte de fées that is quite not happening for us. A book? Did you try to read a book to a 6 months old? I did and all Baba cared about was to eat the bloody livre!

The thing is, I bathe Baba at around 6pm every day. When it was time to implement a sleeping routine, I thought it was a bit early to put him to bed, especially when he was always having his last bottle at 8.30pm. And my mum agreed with me. ‘Just do it the French way.’ English people tend to have dinner quite early before 7pm (or am I wrong?). I thought that was why my health visitor told me to put him to bed at that time.

Grumpy Boyfriend and I always have dinner around 8pm (sometimes even later). So to cut a long story short, I would not put Baba in bed before 8.30pm. Correction! To be totally honest, he would have his last bottle and then would fall asleep in my arms. I know massive mistake!

Now evenings are a pain in the bum (to say the least…). I am dreading to get him to sleep. I tried to use some routines: give him some milk, sing him a lullaby (a made up song as Frenchie Mummy is not a very good singer) and then put him gently to bed.

He would start making a kind of a whinge, a weird noise that I can’t even describe. Then a louder roar and the cry, endlessly. It could last up to 40 minutes if I let him do so. He rolls over in his bed, ends up knocking his head and then c’est la tragédie! He screams so loudly that we have to put subtitles on to make sure that we follow on the movie we are trying to watch!

So I give up, pick him up and he stays up with us until he falls asleep either on the sofa or in his bouncer chair… Yep, that’s life. When you fail at doing something, well you get to endure the consequences…

All I am hoping for now is that we will not be struggling so badly to put Baba to bed once I am back to work in January. So this is my big #mumguilt; the thing I am not proud of as a super Frenchie mama.

What is yours? Do you also struggle to put your kids to bed? If so, please tell me it will get better! And if it’s not the case, just keep quiet or lie ludicrously!

P.S: the examples at the start of this post are totally fictive. I never ever gave some wine to my dearest Baba to get him to have a nap! I just bore him with cartoons on the laptop or sing with the worst voice ever some Frenchie songs from the 60’s. Some part of me thinks that I am like a modern Brigitte Bardot or Vanessa Paradis!

You can find more of Frenchie Mummy here….

Website: https://thefrenchiemummy.com/

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Thank you so much to Frenchie Mummy for such a wonderful post. If you’d like to share your #mumguilt woes please get in touch, I’d love to here from you!

 

 

 

A Mum Track Mind

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Mum guilt logoAnother week brings another wave of #mumguilt. It seems my anxious and over analytical mind can find anything and everything to feel guilty over and this week it’s what I’m doing this very second.

Yes… I’ve started to feel guilty about blogging. I feel guilty that I enjoy it, and I look forward to doing it, therefore I enjoy nap time so I can get stuck in. I also find that I’m constantly looking for post inspiration in everything we do together. Although this does make me appreciate our moments and remember details I’d probably ordinarily forget so not all bad if my attention drifts for a moment or two…

I started my blog to serve as a diary of Henry’s first year, or the second half of his first year but I’ve also started to feel guilty about putting our lives all over the internet when he has no say in the matter. I know that the online world plays a huge part modern life, most people are on some form of social media and in many ways blogging is no different to sharing on Facebook. And I probably have far fewer readers than most people have Facebook ‘friends’. I also know that I could delete it at the push of a button should I so wish and it would probably be forgotten fairly quickly, but it seems my mum conscience likes to torture me for all manner of things.

Do you ever feel guilty for blogging?

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Mum guilt logoI’m now over half way through my maternity leave and returning to work has been on my mind alot this week. I’m currently pursuing a career as a lottery winner, but should I not achieve that dream in the coming months I’ll more than likely be back at my desk in the new year.

I’m still a little way off but I can see a whole new can of mumguilt worms opening in the future. How can we win? We return to work full time and we feel guilty for leaving our children all day. We decide not to return to work and we’re losing income that could be spent on family holidays, or a bigger family home. We negotiate a part time return and it’s still hard to find a balance. When returning to work as a parent either part time or full time,we want to be able to carry out our jobs to the same standard as our pre-parent selves, without compromising our role as parents.

When maternity leave ends all mums will make the decision that is best for their families, weighing up financial, practical and emotional reasons, but can any decision ever not be tainted with guilt?

 

 

 

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