Another day, another list…Today I’m talking about the things babies do that if anyone else did you’d probably want to throttle them.
Someone once told me that the reason babies are cute is to make us simple grown-ups want to look after them i.e. NOT throttle them. If anyone knows if this is actually true please comment away. Anyway, off we go…
- Probably the most obvious one, so I’ll get it out of the way first – keeping you up at night. I actually don’t mind a few night wakings. My paranoid mind often works overtime in the night (shocking, I know) and I find it reassuring. Waking up in the night and refusing to go back to sleep, I’m not so much of a fan.
- They can’t stand to see you enjoying a warm meal or beverage and make it their life’s mission to ensure all of your coffee and food is enjoyed cold. Living on salad may be good for a post baby waistline, but delicious it is not. Nor will a cold drink perk you up after they’ve stolen all your sleep.
- They get overexcited and hit you in the face. As far as I’m aware, dealing with common assault doesn’t feature in any parenting manual.
- Poo on you, wee on you, throw up on you… What is it about baby waste that is significantly less gross than adult waste? I’d be traumatized if I got adult poo on my hand and probably want to chop it off and throw it in the steriliser. Baby poo on my hand and I’m good to go with the flick of a baby wipe – obviously I always wash my hands, but more because I like to exercise good hygiene, rather than feeling a compulsive need to.
- They pull your hair – really socially unacceptable. Especially when you’re already suffering a little post partum hair loss. My head needs every one of those bad boys.
- They have not one ounce of patience. They decide they want something and expect it there and then. Any cry louder, and louder, and louder… until they get what they want, no matter where you are.
- Dictate your wardrobe choices. Be it saying goodbye to breast-feeding unfriendly tops, wearing white or accepting that skirts and dresses have to be below the knee to avoid flashing your bum when you have to bend down. Which happens alot.
- They make you feel guilty for EVERYTHING.
- Taking all your money. Clothes they grow out of every few months, milk, toys, high chairs, prams, car seats and other such items that demonstrate such ineffective cost-per-use they make a Mulberry look like a steal.
- They take over all your space with their stuff and it’s all in bright, garish colours and doesn’t go with your carefully considered decor.
- They make you fall so in love with them that none of the above even matters as long as they’re happy. Wrapped around their chubby little fingers aren’t we?
Do you have anything to add?